The last several, I'd say 4 without breaking out the calendar and counting, Memorial Days have been quite strange for me. Strange in the sense that they no longer just mean its a day off of work, full of BBQs and pools, but a day to honor and remember all of those that served our nation and never had the chance to return home to their loved ones.
Each Memorial Day, I write a status message and read others that remind people of the true meaning of the day: not shopping, BBQs, and time off of work, but our fallen service members. Then, yesterday, I started to think of what has really been behind my status messages. Was it really that I want to remind people of the true meaning or is it that I want their Memorial Day's to be as miserable as mine? I mean, why should everyone else get to enjoy their days, sad thought free, while I pare down my fun and do the whole "parade followed by family BBQ at my parents' house" thing, instead of taking my kids out of town or going to a friends' house?! Everyone else should have to adjust their plans too because I have had to adjust mine. Right?! Wrong!
And yesterday, I had an epiphany. What a horrible reason for having ever typed those words into FB, or really for having thought that. Yesterday, I realized that I don't feel that way anymore. There is no reason for everyone, including me, to be miserable because its Memorial Day. I mean, its not the only day of the year that I remember, love and miss my brother, so why give it that much hold on my life?! Don't get me wrong. I think its important to teach my children and others the true meaning behind the day, but that doesn't mean their worlds need to stop or change just because mine did in 2007. Its a day to call special attention to the grave sacrifices that the military and their families have made to our great nation, to celebrate the honor and freedoms that have been afforded to us all, but celebrating doesn't mean moping around. I know that if Dennis were still here, he'd be one of the first ones to smack us all for being so unhappy. Well, he'd most likely do a little dance for us in his undies, not smack us, but that's his way.
So, yesterday, my status message read: this Memorial Day, please hug a Gold Star family member...with over 7000 service members killed in the last decade and the thousands from previous conflicts, I can't be the only one you know. loving and missing you, Dennis, today and always. Okay, so its not the perfect status message, but I felt that it showed that this day is not just about me and my loss, but about the sacrifices of so many others. And, more importantly, I didn't mope around the house yesterday because my brother is dead, but instead, enjoyed my time with my family. Sure, the kids were all outside and I hibernated out of the heat, being 35 weeks pregnant and all, but I still enjoyed my time. Of course, my brother and the countless other service members that our nation has lost, both before and after him, came to mind several times. It wasn't, however, a somber woe is me kind of thought. It was instead a proud to have the chance to have loved you and I will never forget, kind of thought.
I think I'm getting there. I think I'm getting to the point where I am letting my anger go. We will see in 4 weeks though, when we welcome #4 to our family, just how much I've moved forward these past 26 months.
Only time heals a broken heart, and though some wounds will always leave a scar, this one, I wear proudly. My heart will always hurt and show that pain, but the way it is displayed is changing, and for that, I am grateful.
Showing posts with label Dennis Veater. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dennis Veater. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Eyes wide
Today, okay, officially it was yesterday, but regardless, it was quite a day...eye opening. I did some CASA work and my eyes were opened to the ways of the system. I began to simplify my pantry (which for some reason also meant that I felt the need to paint it)...eye opening. And then, the kicker; my family was interviewed by a reporter, Carolyn Davis, from the Philadelphia Inquirer.
Its not the first time we've been interviewed for a story about losing a family member to war, but it was the most informative of them all. Typically, the reporter will interview one person at a time, to get their story, but since she was running a little late, and we are a big family, Carolyn asked if it were okay to interview us as a group. Sure, not a problem, I told her, but I warned that she may need to speak to my parents separately. Its not really because I thought it would be uncomfortable for us kids, but because my father has never really been open with us about how Dennis's death has affected him. I mean, we can see that he is sad. We can see that he's hurting, but that's it. There's never any discussion about Dennis that ever involves my dad because he automatically gets up and leaves the room.
So, Carolyn starts the interview with my brothers, A and G, and myself. The, mom joins in. We must have been talking for 2 hours when my dad walked into the room, stopped, and then interjected. I can't even tell you about what, but I can tell you that when I looked up and saw him sharing, I nearly fell over. He shared some of the ways people and government officials have shown their appreciation, and then shared his views on "the rest". I sat there, dumbfounded, wondering who this man was that was talking. I mean, nothing he said surprised me. It just shocked me that he was actually sharing. And then, the question, "having served in the Marine Corps, how does it make you feel having lost your son in the Corps." I have wondered the same thing so many times, like does that bring him comfort, anger, sadness, pride, what? And there it was, the gentle dad that we rarely get to see. He kindly just explained that he's not ready to share that yet. Really, I don't know that he's got that answer yet. Broke my heart. But, for just a few moments, I felt like I had my daddy back.
Love you, Dennis! You are forever in our hearts, always on our minds.
Its not the first time we've been interviewed for a story about losing a family member to war, but it was the most informative of them all. Typically, the reporter will interview one person at a time, to get their story, but since she was running a little late, and we are a big family, Carolyn asked if it were okay to interview us as a group. Sure, not a problem, I told her, but I warned that she may need to speak to my parents separately. Its not really because I thought it would be uncomfortable for us kids, but because my father has never really been open with us about how Dennis's death has affected him. I mean, we can see that he is sad. We can see that he's hurting, but that's it. There's never any discussion about Dennis that ever involves my dad because he automatically gets up and leaves the room.
So, Carolyn starts the interview with my brothers, A and G, and myself. The, mom joins in. We must have been talking for 2 hours when my dad walked into the room, stopped, and then interjected. I can't even tell you about what, but I can tell you that when I looked up and saw him sharing, I nearly fell over. He shared some of the ways people and government officials have shown their appreciation, and then shared his views on "the rest". I sat there, dumbfounded, wondering who this man was that was talking. I mean, nothing he said surprised me. It just shocked me that he was actually sharing. And then, the question, "having served in the Marine Corps, how does it make you feel having lost your son in the Corps." I have wondered the same thing so many times, like does that bring him comfort, anger, sadness, pride, what? And there it was, the gentle dad that we rarely get to see. He kindly just explained that he's not ready to share that yet. Really, I don't know that he's got that answer yet. Broke my heart. But, for just a few moments, I felt like I had my daddy back.
Love you, Dennis! You are forever in our hearts, always on our minds.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Reaction to Oprah's recent show on military families
A few days ago, Oprah had a show about military families, both Gold Star Families (their family member was killed while serving) and families that are forever changed because their loved one came home injured. I knew about the show ahead of time, DVR'd it, and still, a week later, had yet to watch it. It wasn't because I didn't have time. Come on, I watched both episodes of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion show. Really, I just didn't know if I was mentally "with it" to watch, share, and be transported back to the ever present, too real pain that I knew the show would elicit.
So, I wanted to watch Oprah's show on "Going Vegan" (that's another blog, in and of itself), and after visiting her website, I was compelled to watch the 3 clips, 2 about the Briest family and their battle to regain Mr. Briest's "previous" life, prior to his brain injury, and the final was the story about Gold Star mother, Teresa Arciola. I "know" Teresa's daughter, Amanda, through an amazing organization that I belong to, known as TAPS (visit www.taps.org to learn more). We've chatted online, shared in our stories of sibling loss, and how we are moving forward, so I was even more compelled to see the story focusing on her brother, Michael. I really don't know what to say, except that I bawled my eyes out. Her story is the story of over 4000 other mothers, the story of tens of thousands of bereaved family members. Here, 6 years later, you can still feel the pain she endures daily. For my family, its been almost 4 years, and though you may not see the pain in your daily dealings with us, believe me, its there, right under the surface.
The show travels to Arlington National Cemetary, section 60, with Ms. Arciola as she visits her son's final resting place. She read to him, played music to him, and just spent that time touching his gravestone. Wow! Did that pull on my heartstrings. In the past few years, I have only been to my brother's grave site maybe a handful of times. I've been there on anniversaries, to introduce my daughters, and to eat lunch, once. I find it extremely difficult to make it there. No, its not 6 hours away like Ms. Arciola drives, instead, its only 20 minutes from my home, 5-10 minutes from the stores I frequent. I have every intent on going to visit, but just can't seem to get my car to travel in that direction. I mean, yes, my brother's body is there, but why do I want to go there to have it smack me in the face that he really is gone? I'd rather continue to live in my fantasy world where he's overseas, and I'm only confronted with the fact that he's not coming home when I actually sit down and allow myself to think about it. A couple of my brothers and my father, like Ms. Arciola, are able and want to visit the grave site frequently. It just chronicles how we all move through our grief differently. More evidence that we must reserve judgment, judgment of the bereaved.
I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "when are you going to move on" or "you'll get over it" or "I'm worried about so and so because they seem too depressed". I know that it comes from a place of discomfort. Your friend or loved one wants the regular you back, and feels uncomfortable with the new you. They are saddened by their loss, their loss of the friend that they didn't have to watch words with, the friend that was always chipper. They don't know how to act in your new normal world. So, not only have you lost someone, but they have too: they lost you. The true test of friendship is whether or not you two can come together in this new world you live in. I am happy to say that I lost few friends.
Of course, all of this thinking got me curious to see who else saw the clip on Oprah's website, and what their thoughts were. There were 19 comments, very nice comments offering prayers and support for Teresa, but 2 stuck out to me. The 1st was a person offering their home to other families of the fallen, so that they may reduce expenses when visiting their loved ones in Arlington. How very touching, to open your home to a stranger. I applaud you!
The 2nd comment though, was posted by another Gold Star Mother. As I read her comment, I read something in it that may or may not have been there. The comment essentially struck me as a mother saying, "look, she's not the only mom that lost someone. I lost my son too! So many of us are suffering." At first glance, you may think, come on, lady. But, all I read was pain and hurt. It opened my eyes to the pain and mostly, the fear that we all have. PLEASE DON'T FORGET. I mean, that's the point she's trying to make, right? For, as long as someone remembers our loved one lost, he/she is still not fully gone. This is why I continue to mention my brother as frequently as possible, whenever the opportunity arises in conversation. And, this is why I try to learn everything I can about the other fallen service members and friends and family of my friends and family. We owe it to them, to keep their memories alive.
So, I wanted to watch Oprah's show on "Going Vegan" (that's another blog, in and of itself), and after visiting her website, I was compelled to watch the 3 clips, 2 about the Briest family and their battle to regain Mr. Briest's "previous" life, prior to his brain injury, and the final was the story about Gold Star mother, Teresa Arciola. I "know" Teresa's daughter, Amanda, through an amazing organization that I belong to, known as TAPS (visit www.taps.org to learn more). We've chatted online, shared in our stories of sibling loss, and how we are moving forward, so I was even more compelled to see the story focusing on her brother, Michael. I really don't know what to say, except that I bawled my eyes out. Her story is the story of over 4000 other mothers, the story of tens of thousands of bereaved family members. Here, 6 years later, you can still feel the pain she endures daily. For my family, its been almost 4 years, and though you may not see the pain in your daily dealings with us, believe me, its there, right under the surface.
The show travels to Arlington National Cemetary, section 60, with Ms. Arciola as she visits her son's final resting place. She read to him, played music to him, and just spent that time touching his gravestone. Wow! Did that pull on my heartstrings. In the past few years, I have only been to my brother's grave site maybe a handful of times. I've been there on anniversaries, to introduce my daughters, and to eat lunch, once. I find it extremely difficult to make it there. No, its not 6 hours away like Ms. Arciola drives, instead, its only 20 minutes from my home, 5-10 minutes from the stores I frequent. I have every intent on going to visit, but just can't seem to get my car to travel in that direction. I mean, yes, my brother's body is there, but why do I want to go there to have it smack me in the face that he really is gone? I'd rather continue to live in my fantasy world where he's overseas, and I'm only confronted with the fact that he's not coming home when I actually sit down and allow myself to think about it. A couple of my brothers and my father, like Ms. Arciola, are able and want to visit the grave site frequently. It just chronicles how we all move through our grief differently. More evidence that we must reserve judgment, judgment of the bereaved.
I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "when are you going to move on" or "you'll get over it" or "I'm worried about so and so because they seem too depressed". I know that it comes from a place of discomfort. Your friend or loved one wants the regular you back, and feels uncomfortable with the new you. They are saddened by their loss, their loss of the friend that they didn't have to watch words with, the friend that was always chipper. They don't know how to act in your new normal world. So, not only have you lost someone, but they have too: they lost you. The true test of friendship is whether or not you two can come together in this new world you live in. I am happy to say that I lost few friends.
Of course, all of this thinking got me curious to see who else saw the clip on Oprah's website, and what their thoughts were. There were 19 comments, very nice comments offering prayers and support for Teresa, but 2 stuck out to me. The 1st was a person offering their home to other families of the fallen, so that they may reduce expenses when visiting their loved ones in Arlington. How very touching, to open your home to a stranger. I applaud you!
The 2nd comment though, was posted by another Gold Star Mother. As I read her comment, I read something in it that may or may not have been there. The comment essentially struck me as a mother saying, "look, she's not the only mom that lost someone. I lost my son too! So many of us are suffering." At first glance, you may think, come on, lady. But, all I read was pain and hurt. It opened my eyes to the pain and mostly, the fear that we all have. PLEASE DON'T FORGET. I mean, that's the point she's trying to make, right? For, as long as someone remembers our loved one lost, he/she is still not fully gone. This is why I continue to mention my brother as frequently as possible, whenever the opportunity arises in conversation. And, this is why I try to learn everything I can about the other fallen service members and friends and family of my friends and family. We owe it to them, to keep their memories alive.
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