Q and I went to a function today and witnessed a travesty: at the end of the event, the kitchen staff started throwing away loaf after loaf of untouched artisan bread. Shortly after the shock wore off, I inquired, "you are really throwing all of that in the garbage?"
"Yes."
"Um...can you not do that? I can take that to the Scranton Mission or a soup kitchen or something."
After disappearing for a while, she reappeared with plastic bags. Another guest helped me bag and carry over 13 shopping bags of food to my car, and then I was off. I first stopped at the St. Francis Soup Kitchen where I witnessed a man in a wheelchair, several other guys and one woman, shooting up and drinking in the parking lot. They were being absolutely obnoxious, screaming at each other, slurred speech at 4 in the afternoon. I didn't realize that Scranton had this problem, one I hadn't seen since I lived in San Francisco.
When I got home, I was thankful for all my family has, grateful that, for the most part, we are all healthy and safe from this despair I witnessed. I started to think about the pain that those people must be experiencing, the lack of self-esteem, self-love, if you will. Its as if they hate themselves, so they are punishing themselves. Those thoughts brought me back to the tragedy that just occurred in Aurora.
There, we unfortunately have another case of someone that lacks self-love. His hatred and despair for himself and others didn't cause him to act out like the people I saw today, but instead, caused him to leash out on hundreds of innocent people. Strange, huh? Some people turn that hatred inward, while others turn it outward, towards innocent people. I wonder what causes that? But, I am reminded by what I've heard from so many brilliant friends that remind me that you can not place the confines of logic on people and situations that do not have basis in reality.
We will never truly understand why what happened, well, happened. There really can be no explanation. We should, instead, place our focus in 2 directions. First, in honoring the memory of the victims and helping their families to move forward in the world without them, not to mention, helping the survivors to cope with their new normals.
Secondly, we really need to take a harsh look at our gun laws. Why do we allow such large magazines? Are they necessary? Let's say we don't try to change the Constitution and just work within its confines. One of our problems in this nation is the complete need for overindulgence. Is it not overindulging when we need multiple weapons, automatic weapons, large quantity clips, etc...? Let's ignore big business and the NRA. Let's ask ourselves why the US has more gun fatalities than our other 1st World allies. How do we allow something to purchase 4 handguns in just a few short months? How do is it that we have had multiple school shootings, and now, this? Something needs to change when it comes to the gun laws.
My heart goes out to all of those that are hurting across the nation. May loving and happy memories flood your mind and push the pain aside. May you find comfort in knowing that your loved ones lived full lives and are now at peace, never to feel pain or fear again.
To all of the victims, the images burned in your minds will eventually be replaced with images of hope and happiness. Stay strong and find comfort in knowing that it was simply not your time to leave this earth.
To those that lost their lives, my heart is with you. May you rest in peace as you join the others that have gone before you, including my brother.
None of this makes sense. Not a single bit. I fear for my children, that they must grow up in a world that sees this violence so frequently. I hope this is simply a strange anomaly that ends soon.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
It has been a while!
WOW! It has been quite some time since I last posted on here. Turns out, though, that I happen to have a little time on my hands tonight, as P and the 3 big kids are visiting his parents for a little mini vacation. I thought I'd be loving this, having time to myself. I will say that I love having one on one time with Q, but I am missing the rest of my family.
So much has happened that I want to capture for posterity's sake. Here's a mini recap (pictures to follow another day):
1. C had her surgery. It was supposed to be a 2 1/2 day stay at the hospital that turned into 7 days because she was having problems voiding her bladder. At one point, she had over 400 cc's of urine in her bladder, which, might I add, has a capacity of 200 cc's. She is doing well today. She has had one UTI since her surgery, but it did not lead to a fever spike and kidney infection, we believe. That points to the surgery being successful, so I am very comforted by that.
2. I got a job. Did I write that yet? I won't share too much because I know that there are all too often, people that end up loosing their jobs because they bad mouth the employer online. Not going to get me there. What I will say is that
3. With the job, came a new member of our family: Jang. Jang is our nanny, and we LOVE her. She truly has become part of our family. Without her, we would not be successful. She helps take the kids to their activities, helps with household chores, and even bathes the kids. More importantly, the kids LOVE her. She does crafts with them, plays outside with them, and pretty much does a better job at being mom than I do. She is truly an amazing partner.
4. Let's talk mommy guilt. I have it. I have tons of it. There are no play dates. No family vacations. I missed Q's first steps. All 3 of the kids have asked me to quit so that we can "go back to the way it was" when I used to be a SAHM. And let's take L's eye appointment. He missed his last scheduled one because the office wrote down July, but it was in June. This never would have happened if I didn't work. P has been amazing when it comes to stepping up and running errands, especially for the kids, during the business day. I feel like I don't see the kids much, anymore. Lately, I leave before they wake and come home around dinner time. We've been trying to let them stay up until 9 so that we can spend time as a family. They love it and do well with it because they can sleep in. Me? Not so much so. After they go to bed and I have tons of household items to take care of...not to mention, I have some vegging to do! The kids have called me Jang on several occasions. Please her heart, but when I told Jang this, she was quick to tell me that, "That's okay. Sometimes they call me 'MOM'!" Talk about yanking my heart out and stomping on it, chewing it up and then putting it back in my chest. Ugh! The important thing to remember, though? I am one happy mommy! I'm grateful that my kids love their nanny as much as they do, and I am grateful that P and I love and trust her, too. So, if that means that I feel a little replaced sometimes, that's actually a good thing, and not a bad one.
5. All that being said, I now have the answer to the age old question of: Who has it harder: stay at home or working mom? I know you are eagerly awaiting my response so that you can shoot back, so here you go: neither! That's right. Its not whether or not you work, its whether or not you have a support network behind you. Stay at home moms do not get any relief from their responsibilities, meaning that they are always solely responsible for the safety, well-being and happiness of their, often times, demanding children. BUT, stay at home moms that have a good support network can spend time bonding with friends, get to workout and enjoy the milestones in their childrens' lives while still having their own. Working moms may only get relief from their responsibilities when they are driving to and from work (though I often use that time to make phone calls to take care of family responsibilities). Now, its not just the stress from the kids that is on their shoulders, but also the stresses from work. There truly are not enough hours in the day. Now, I've had the "pleasure" to have experienced both roles, and both with little/no support (when P is out of town) and with strong support. I can tell you that being a stay at home mom with no partner (spouse, reliable caretaker, grandparents, etc...) is HARD. I imagine that being a working mom with no support is hard, as well. Its having P and Jang...and my family, especially my mom, around that makes being working mom, well, work. We are a team. I think that's easier than being an unsupported SAHM. So, the answer makes sense, now...right?
6. Did I mention that I love Jang?! :-) Because I do! We are so very blessed to have her in our lives, to help us raise our children.
7. J celebrated her 5th birthday. She had a fantastic party; small, but amazing. We had her party at Arts Youniverse in Wilkes-Barre. They danced, did an obstacle course, got their faces painted and then made flags. The girls made flower flags and the boys, pirate flags. The flags were made with wax and dye on canvas. Really cool!
8. Our little Q is now walking and Scarlett has re-emerged. If she doesn't get her way, well, you better watch out. The temper tantrums this little girl throws are out of this world. And what sets her off? Anything. When I come home from work, I have to sneak into the house to use the restroom. If Q figures out that I'm in there, she will insist that I hold her, and then wails when I put her down to finish up and wash my hands. Crazy girl. Crazy, I tell you ;) Gosh, I love that girl. Can't believe she just turned 1!
9. I've gained weight. UGH! That's right. Working is hazardous to your health. This past week, I've really buckled down and stopped eating the constant flux of desserts, candies and chips that come flowing around my desk on a daily basis. I started working out at 6 am, which is a 5 am wake time. Its been 3 weeks since I've gone to the gym though, since P has been out of town a lot the past few weeks, and I've been in training. I am excited to get back to the routine though, as I am more motivated then ever to get this excess Q weight off of me.
10. We tried planting a garden and all my plants died :( I guess next year we will try buying the plants and NOT the seeds.
11. J completed her first year of tee ball, and L, his first year of coach pitch. They both improved so much over the season. I can't even tell you how proud I am of them for sticking it out and growing. L can't wait for next year, despite being hit in the mouth with a bat. Boy, oh boy is he growing!
12. I am missing my friends. I am missing hanging out with my mommy friends and sharing chuckles and stories about our hubbies and kids. I take it back...being a working mom is SO much harder ;)
13. I am still struggling with getting properly organized so that dinner flows properly. I think that is truly the key to success: organization. Now, to find this guy, as he is alluding me. I will find you. Don't you worry.
Wow. Is this a pity party or what?! hahaha....
In a nutshell, life has thrown us some curve balls, but they have given us great rewards. Sure, we haven't figured out how to hit all of them, yet, but we will get there...eventually.
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