The last several, I'd say 4 without breaking out the calendar and counting, Memorial Days have been quite strange for me. Strange in the sense that they no longer just mean its a day off of work, full of BBQs and pools, but a day to honor and remember all of those that served our nation and never had the chance to return home to their loved ones.
Each Memorial Day, I write a status message and read others that remind people of the true meaning of the day: not shopping, BBQs, and time off of work, but our fallen service members. Then, yesterday, I started to think of what has really been behind my status messages. Was it really that I want to remind people of the true meaning or is it that I want their Memorial Day's to be as miserable as mine? I mean, why should everyone else get to enjoy their days, sad thought free, while I pare down my fun and do the whole "parade followed by family BBQ at my parents' house" thing, instead of taking my kids out of town or going to a friends' house?! Everyone else should have to adjust their plans too because I have had to adjust mine. Right?! Wrong!
And yesterday, I had an epiphany. What a horrible reason for having ever typed those words into FB, or really for having thought that. Yesterday, I realized that I don't feel that way anymore. There is no reason for everyone, including me, to be miserable because its Memorial Day. I mean, its not the only day of the year that I remember, love and miss my brother, so why give it that much hold on my life?! Don't get me wrong. I think its important to teach my children and others the true meaning behind the day, but that doesn't mean their worlds need to stop or change just because mine did in 2007. Its a day to call special attention to the grave sacrifices that the military and their families have made to our great nation, to celebrate the honor and freedoms that have been afforded to us all, but celebrating doesn't mean moping around. I know that if Dennis were still here, he'd be one of the first ones to smack us all for being so unhappy. Well, he'd most likely do a little dance for us in his undies, not smack us, but that's his way.
So, yesterday, my status message read: this Memorial Day, please hug a Gold Star family member...with over 7000 service members killed in the last decade and the thousands from previous conflicts, I can't be the only one you know. loving and missing you, Dennis, today and always. Okay, so its not the perfect status message, but I felt that it showed that this day is not just about me and my loss, but about the sacrifices of so many others. And, more importantly, I didn't mope around the house yesterday because my brother is dead, but instead, enjoyed my time with my family. Sure, the kids were all outside and I hibernated out of the heat, being 35 weeks pregnant and all, but I still enjoyed my time. Of course, my brother and the countless other service members that our nation has lost, both before and after him, came to mind several times. It wasn't, however, a somber woe is me kind of thought. It was instead a proud to have the chance to have loved you and I will never forget, kind of thought.
I think I'm getting there. I think I'm getting to the point where I am letting my anger go. We will see in 4 weeks though, when we welcome #4 to our family, just how much I've moved forward these past 26 months.
Only time heals a broken heart, and though some wounds will always leave a scar, this one, I wear proudly. My heart will always hurt and show that pain, but the way it is displayed is changing, and for that, I am grateful.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Reclamation Day
It may be a little obvious to my close friends that this past month and a half has been a challenge for me. The reason is not important, but what is important is that today, I have decided to reclaim my life. That's right! I've taken a hard look at where I've let my life go lately, and frankly, I'm not happy about it. Instead of focusing on what's important to leading a successful life, as a wife, mom, employee, and citizen, I've simply been focused on getting through the day.
Well, NO MORE! I've let too much slip. So, today, I am putting my foot down. I have only 5 weeks to get it together, and it all starts today. On my list of things to tackle this week?
1. Get the pool finally sorted out or on its way to being (check)
2. Get back to basics with eating and stop eating out (check)
3. Get my house and mind ready for our newest family member
a. Put away newborn clothes
b. Pick up bassinet from friend
c. Purchase hygiene products for her
d. Pick up crib from friend
4. Purchase and pick up strider bike
5. Pay bills
6. Wash/fold/put away laundry
7. Take winter clothes to attic
8. Sweep the pool area
9. Schedule carport "fix"
10. Get reconnected with the office
11. Submit my invoices
12. Read a story to my kids each night before going to bed
13. Start priming the living room
14. Get the basement window fixed
15. Stain the deck and porch
16. Plant some lettuce
17. Power wash the front of the house
18. Clean out my potty mouth
Okay, this is quite the list, as I read it back to myself. I won't be able to do it all, unless I somehow develop super powers, but I'm going to get started on it. I know that if I stop sitting around, feeling sorry for myself, or less than adequate in all areas of life, I may actually start to feel better and a bit more prepared to take on the challenge of being a mother to 4 incredibly active and needy children. I'm also hoping that this will help me to gain patience and perspective when dealing with them.
Life is what you make of it, and lately, I've made it pretty gosh darn miserable. I can't even imagine how my friends and family have been coping, but not to worry. I'm hoping the old me is back. Actually, scratch that, I'm hoping a new and improved me will emerge from the rubble.
Let's see what happens. eeek...
Well, NO MORE! I've let too much slip. So, today, I am putting my foot down. I have only 5 weeks to get it together, and it all starts today. On my list of things to tackle this week?
1. Get the pool finally sorted out or on its way to being (check)
2. Get back to basics with eating and stop eating out (check)
3. Get my house and mind ready for our newest family member
a. Put away newborn clothes
b. Pick up bassinet from friend
c. Purchase hygiene products for her
d. Pick up crib from friend
4. Purchase and pick up strider bike
5. Pay bills
6. Wash/fold/put away laundry
7. Take winter clothes to attic
8. Sweep the pool area
9. Schedule carport "fix"
10. Get reconnected with the office
11. Submit my invoices
12. Read a story to my kids each night before going to bed
13. Start priming the living room
14. Get the basement window fixed
15. Stain the deck and porch
16. Plant some lettuce
17. Power wash the front of the house
18. Clean out my potty mouth
Okay, this is quite the list, as I read it back to myself. I won't be able to do it all, unless I somehow develop super powers, but I'm going to get started on it. I know that if I stop sitting around, feeling sorry for myself, or less than adequate in all areas of life, I may actually start to feel better and a bit more prepared to take on the challenge of being a mother to 4 incredibly active and needy children. I'm also hoping that this will help me to gain patience and perspective when dealing with them.
Life is what you make of it, and lately, I've made it pretty gosh darn miserable. I can't even imagine how my friends and family have been coping, but not to worry. I'm hoping the old me is back. Actually, scratch that, I'm hoping a new and improved me will emerge from the rubble.
Let's see what happens. eeek...
Saturday, May 21, 2011
J's 1st Dance Recital
Our little J had her very first dance recital last night and it was so amazing. Literally, it brought tears to my eyes to see how happy she was to be on stage. This is my little girl that doesn't seem to be shy until you put her on the spot. Then, immediately, her left shoulder pops and her head goes straight to it. But, not last night. She was a confident little holly berry.
My mom came over early and I gave J the option of who was going to do her makeup, either grandma or mommy. Of course, I was not her selection. Oh well. C was more than happy to let me put makeup on her. It was actually kind of fun, all 3 of us girls put on the same makeup and did our hair for the evening. Probably a little peek into what the teenage years will be like, but with no fighting.
The holly berries had a small part, but it was great. She had a smile on her face the whole time and she really owned her role. I loved when she walked forward, arms stretched, on her tip toes. Too cute. I can't wait to get the video!
The only glitch in the whole evening was that during the finale, I could see her starting to dance around, and her face turn from a huge smile to fear. I turned to P and said, OH NO, she has to pee. When the curtain closed, I rushed to get her, but it was too late. My poor little princess was hysterical and wet. Luckily, I had brought a change of clothes and we cleaned up in the bathroom. I thought it was so mature of her to thank me for taking her to the bathroom when I was done. Just broke my heart that she had that experience.
Either way, the rest of the night was a success. When I went to pick her up after the final curtain dropped, she turned to me and asked why all the other little girls have flowers. With a big smile on my face, I told her, "come on, Daddy is waiting for you." When she saw P, she started running for him and he gave her a huge hug, kiss and a bouquet of purple and green flowers. She did not let go of those flowers for the rest of the evening. Then, when my grandfather gave her a bouquet of pink flowers, she was completely elated. So sweet!
After the show, we went to Ruby Tuesday's for dessert (and some for dinner), and poor J was the only one to fall asleep in the car on the way there. When we arrived, I said, "J, we are here" and she woke up and snatched up her flowers before departing the van. Its amazing how special they made her feel. The poor thing even woke up in the middle of the night in fear that she had left them in the car. And, what's the first thing she said to me this morning? "Mommy, thank you for putting my flowers in my bedroom."
Note to self: J LOVES flowers.
I'll post pictures later. Just wanted to record the memories.
My mom came over early and I gave J the option of who was going to do her makeup, either grandma or mommy. Of course, I was not her selection. Oh well. C was more than happy to let me put makeup on her. It was actually kind of fun, all 3 of us girls put on the same makeup and did our hair for the evening. Probably a little peek into what the teenage years will be like, but with no fighting.
The holly berries had a small part, but it was great. She had a smile on her face the whole time and she really owned her role. I loved when she walked forward, arms stretched, on her tip toes. Too cute. I can't wait to get the video!
The only glitch in the whole evening was that during the finale, I could see her starting to dance around, and her face turn from a huge smile to fear. I turned to P and said, OH NO, she has to pee. When the curtain closed, I rushed to get her, but it was too late. My poor little princess was hysterical and wet. Luckily, I had brought a change of clothes and we cleaned up in the bathroom. I thought it was so mature of her to thank me for taking her to the bathroom when I was done. Just broke my heart that she had that experience.
Either way, the rest of the night was a success. When I went to pick her up after the final curtain dropped, she turned to me and asked why all the other little girls have flowers. With a big smile on my face, I told her, "come on, Daddy is waiting for you." When she saw P, she started running for him and he gave her a huge hug, kiss and a bouquet of purple and green flowers. She did not let go of those flowers for the rest of the evening. Then, when my grandfather gave her a bouquet of pink flowers, she was completely elated. So sweet!
After the show, we went to Ruby Tuesday's for dessert (and some for dinner), and poor J was the only one to fall asleep in the car on the way there. When we arrived, I said, "J, we are here" and she woke up and snatched up her flowers before departing the van. Its amazing how special they made her feel. The poor thing even woke up in the middle of the night in fear that she had left them in the car. And, what's the first thing she said to me this morning? "Mommy, thank you for putting my flowers in my bedroom."
Note to self: J LOVES flowers.
I'll post pictures later. Just wanted to record the memories.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Update
Wow! Its been awhile. I've been so caught up in life, and I wish I could say that I've been caught up in living it, but instead, I've been caught up in making sure that it doesn't get too far away from me. So much going on, so much happened.
1. Osama bin Laden was killed. What a mixture of feelings this threw my way. I was thrilled that that bastard finally got what was coming to him. I mean, you orchestrate the murders of thousands of people, you deserve to die. But, then there were the feelings of anger, resentment, and regret. Its great that we got him, but we got him too darn late. Because of him, so many people felt a calling to bear arms for our nation, including my brother, ultimately, resulting in their early deaths. I can't help but think that if only we had gotten him sooner, thousands more lives could have been saved. And, it doesn't bring Dennis back :(
2. We successfully completed the playground build at the Dunmore YMCA with the help of MetLife and Kaboom! Though 175 out of the 237 volunteers were as a result of MetLife's recruitment efforts, we were still able to get more than 50 volunteers and their children to assist in the efforts. P was even a build captain and led his team to, as he states, "build, assemble, AND paint" 2 recycling bins and 3 tree benches. No other teams painted, so it was a "big" deal ;) All together, we built the above mentioned, 4 picnic tables, 5 park benches, 5 garbage cans, an arbor, an outdoor classroom, planted a garden, made a tree mural, built a playground, and moved several tons of mulch. It truly was awesome to see all those people come together to make it happen.
3. P has now participated in 4 5K's which has really peeked the kids' interest in running. This past weekend, L and J ran in a fun run at Nay Aug park and they absolutely loved it. I'm sure that getting a ribbon at the end of the run was the icing on the cake. There were 5 kids that ran in the "race" and my kids were the youngest and of course came in 4th and 5th place. That was a bit discouraging to them, but the ribbon made it all better.
4. I am now 33 weeks pregnant and the heart burn/acid reflux is in full gear. My hormones are really playing tricks on me and my days go from great ones to ones where I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I can't really say that we are ready to welcome #4 into our family as we now no longer have a name for her, we have yet to get her bed, she has no dresser, I haven't washed her clothes and set them out, and I still need a litany of things (wet wipes, basic hygiene items for her, diaper bag, bed, one of those things you stick in the carseat so her head won't move around, etc...) Not really sure why I haven't done these things yet. Could be the depressive state I'm in, could be that I'm a procrastinator, could be that I think a fairy will come and do it all for me while I'm sleeping. Maybe its because I don't know where I'm going to physically put her.
I am also so very tired of the comments that people make to me when I'm out with my kids. "God Bless you" "Are you trying to get a basketball team" "What were you thinking" "Are you done" etc, etc.. Generally from elderly people who think that they don't need to filter themselves anymore. Shut up you dumb people! I don't need to hear your opinions. I think that sometimes they are just looking for a way to strike up a conversation, but still. At least I've moved on from "are you expecting twins" to "wow, you don't look like you're due that soon". My favorite though, is "you don't look pregnant from behind". I used to think it was very complimentary, but now, I think its a bit creepy because it comes from the same 2 men all the time, well, and my girlfriends too. Okay...P says its not creepy, they are just trying to be nice cause they can't comment on the size of my breasts. Whatever. Those didn't even get that big. Boo! No longer skin flaps, but nothing to write home about.
Oh, and let's not forget that this girl will probably be a gymnast. She loves to do flips around 8 pm and 12 am. If those are the times she's going to be up eating, that's just fine with me. It actually fits nicely into my schedule. Fingers crossed that those are the only "bedtime" hours she'll be awake. Not likely, but a mommy can dream, can't she?
---
All and all, its been a roller coaster of a month and I'm looking forward to finding a norm again, before the baby comes and I need to find another. This week, my J has her first dance recital and next week, L graduates from preschool. So much going on in our house, but most of it is exciting firsts and new beginnings. Here's hoping we are able to see the beauty in it all!
1. Osama bin Laden was killed. What a mixture of feelings this threw my way. I was thrilled that that bastard finally got what was coming to him. I mean, you orchestrate the murders of thousands of people, you deserve to die. But, then there were the feelings of anger, resentment, and regret. Its great that we got him, but we got him too darn late. Because of him, so many people felt a calling to bear arms for our nation, including my brother, ultimately, resulting in their early deaths. I can't help but think that if only we had gotten him sooner, thousands more lives could have been saved. And, it doesn't bring Dennis back :(
2. We successfully completed the playground build at the Dunmore YMCA with the help of MetLife and Kaboom! Though 175 out of the 237 volunteers were as a result of MetLife's recruitment efforts, we were still able to get more than 50 volunteers and their children to assist in the efforts. P was even a build captain and led his team to, as he states, "build, assemble, AND paint" 2 recycling bins and 3 tree benches. No other teams painted, so it was a "big" deal ;) All together, we built the above mentioned, 4 picnic tables, 5 park benches, 5 garbage cans, an arbor, an outdoor classroom, planted a garden, made a tree mural, built a playground, and moved several tons of mulch. It truly was awesome to see all those people come together to make it happen.
3. P has now participated in 4 5K's which has really peeked the kids' interest in running. This past weekend, L and J ran in a fun run at Nay Aug park and they absolutely loved it. I'm sure that getting a ribbon at the end of the run was the icing on the cake. There were 5 kids that ran in the "race" and my kids were the youngest and of course came in 4th and 5th place. That was a bit discouraging to them, but the ribbon made it all better.
4. I am now 33 weeks pregnant and the heart burn/acid reflux is in full gear. My hormones are really playing tricks on me and my days go from great ones to ones where I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I can't really say that we are ready to welcome #4 into our family as we now no longer have a name for her, we have yet to get her bed, she has no dresser, I haven't washed her clothes and set them out, and I still need a litany of things (wet wipes, basic hygiene items for her, diaper bag, bed, one of those things you stick in the carseat so her head won't move around, etc...) Not really sure why I haven't done these things yet. Could be the depressive state I'm in, could be that I'm a procrastinator, could be that I think a fairy will come and do it all for me while I'm sleeping. Maybe its because I don't know where I'm going to physically put her.
I am also so very tired of the comments that people make to me when I'm out with my kids. "God Bless you" "Are you trying to get a basketball team" "What were you thinking" "Are you done" etc, etc.. Generally from elderly people who think that they don't need to filter themselves anymore. Shut up you dumb people! I don't need to hear your opinions. I think that sometimes they are just looking for a way to strike up a conversation, but still. At least I've moved on from "are you expecting twins" to "wow, you don't look like you're due that soon". My favorite though, is "you don't look pregnant from behind". I used to think it was very complimentary, but now, I think its a bit creepy because it comes from the same 2 men all the time, well, and my girlfriends too. Okay...P says its not creepy, they are just trying to be nice cause they can't comment on the size of my breasts. Whatever. Those didn't even get that big. Boo! No longer skin flaps, but nothing to write home about.
Oh, and let's not forget that this girl will probably be a gymnast. She loves to do flips around 8 pm and 12 am. If those are the times she's going to be up eating, that's just fine with me. It actually fits nicely into my schedule. Fingers crossed that those are the only "bedtime" hours she'll be awake. Not likely, but a mommy can dream, can't she?
---
All and all, its been a roller coaster of a month and I'm looking forward to finding a norm again, before the baby comes and I need to find another. This week, my J has her first dance recital and next week, L graduates from preschool. So much going on in our house, but most of it is exciting firsts and new beginnings. Here's hoping we are able to see the beauty in it all!
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