A few days ago, Oprah had a show about military families, both Gold Star Families (their family member was killed while serving) and families that are forever changed because their loved one came home injured. I knew about the show ahead of time, DVR'd it, and still, a week later, had yet to watch it. It wasn't because I didn't have time. Come on, I watched both episodes of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion show. Really, I just didn't know if I was mentally "with it" to watch, share, and be transported back to the ever present, too real pain that I knew the show would elicit.
So, I wanted to watch Oprah's show on "Going Vegan" (that's another blog, in and of itself), and after visiting her website, I was compelled to watch the 3 clips, 2 about the Briest family and their battle to regain Mr. Briest's "previous" life, prior to his brain injury, and the final was the story about Gold Star mother, Teresa Arciola. I "know" Teresa's daughter, Amanda, through an amazing organization that I belong to, known as TAPS (visit www.taps.org to learn more). We've chatted online, shared in our stories of sibling loss, and how we are moving forward, so I was even more compelled to see the story focusing on her brother, Michael. I really don't know what to say, except that I bawled my eyes out. Her story is the story of over 4000 other mothers, the story of tens of thousands of bereaved family members. Here, 6 years later, you can still feel the pain she endures daily. For my family, its been almost 4 years, and though you may not see the pain in your daily dealings with us, believe me, its there, right under the surface.
The show travels to Arlington National Cemetary, section 60, with Ms. Arciola as she visits her son's final resting place. She read to him, played music to him, and just spent that time touching his gravestone. Wow! Did that pull on my heartstrings. In the past few years, I have only been to my brother's grave site maybe a handful of times. I've been there on anniversaries, to introduce my daughters, and to eat lunch, once. I find it extremely difficult to make it there. No, its not 6 hours away like Ms. Arciola drives, instead, its only 20 minutes from my home, 5-10 minutes from the stores I frequent. I have every intent on going to visit, but just can't seem to get my car to travel in that direction. I mean, yes, my brother's body is there, but why do I want to go there to have it smack me in the face that he really is gone? I'd rather continue to live in my fantasy world where he's overseas, and I'm only confronted with the fact that he's not coming home when I actually sit down and allow myself to think about it. A couple of my brothers and my father, like Ms. Arciola, are able and want to visit the grave site frequently. It just chronicles how we all move through our grief differently. More evidence that we must reserve judgment, judgment of the bereaved.
I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "when are you going to move on" or "you'll get over it" or "I'm worried about so and so because they seem too depressed". I know that it comes from a place of discomfort. Your friend or loved one wants the regular you back, and feels uncomfortable with the new you. They are saddened by their loss, their loss of the friend that they didn't have to watch words with, the friend that was always chipper. They don't know how to act in your new normal world. So, not only have you lost someone, but they have too: they lost you. The true test of friendship is whether or not you two can come together in this new world you live in. I am happy to say that I lost few friends.
Of course, all of this thinking got me curious to see who else saw the clip on Oprah's website, and what their thoughts were. There were 19 comments, very nice comments offering prayers and support for Teresa, but 2 stuck out to me. The 1st was a person offering their home to other families of the fallen, so that they may reduce expenses when visiting their loved ones in Arlington. How very touching, to open your home to a stranger. I applaud you!
The 2nd comment though, was posted by another Gold Star Mother. As I read her comment, I read something in it that may or may not have been there. The comment essentially struck me as a mother saying, "look, she's not the only mom that lost someone. I lost my son too! So many of us are suffering." At first glance, you may think, come on, lady. But, all I read was pain and hurt. It opened my eyes to the pain and mostly, the fear that we all have. PLEASE DON'T FORGET. I mean, that's the point she's trying to make, right? For, as long as someone remembers our loved one lost, he/she is still not fully gone. This is why I continue to mention my brother as frequently as possible, whenever the opportunity arises in conversation. And, this is why I try to learn everything I can about the other fallen service members and friends and family of my friends and family. We owe it to them, to keep their memories alive.
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