Has anyone seen peace?

Its nearly midnight, I'm exhausted and laying on the couch.  Sick.  Why not go upstairs to bed?  Its quiet up there.  Down here, I have the noise of the TV to drown out my thoughts. Down here, I have the computer to distract me.  Up there, I have nothing but silence.

Almost 4 years ago, my baby brother was delivering medical supplies to an Iraqi Free Clinic when the tire he was sitting over hit an IED.  I will spare you from the visions of what ensued, but let's just say that he never came home. Wow. That is still hard to see in black and white.

I have been so blessed since then with meeting some amazing people.  At a birthday party for my son's friend, I sat at a 4 top and learned that only 1 of us did not have a sibling die.  So strange, as sibling loss made me feel so alone.  Yes, I have 4 other surviving siblings, but that's not what I mean.  I mean that people don't see your pain.  Instead, they see the pain of your parents, of your sibling's spouse/sig other, of his children. Of course, they are hurting and it is important to acknowledge their loss and pain, but ignoring my pain to focus on theirs was simply hurtful.

Then, you also lose a lot of your friends.  Its not because they don't care, but because death is a strange and horrible thing.  No one knows what to do, what to say.  Everyone just wants their old friend/loved one back.  They want to know how quickly their lives can get back to normal and the discomfort of your meetings can go away.

Now, I have many friends that have suffered the loss of a military loved one and many that have suffered the loss of a sibling.  While speaking with one of my close girlfriends who lost her brother 7 years ago, I came to a realization...I am still very pissed off.  I have not fully accepted that my brother is gone.  Yes, I know he is not coming home.  But, I feel as if there are still too many loose ends.

Namely, I have a nephew that I rarely see, that I love.  Death ruins a lot of relationships, and especially ones that are already strained.  This simply does not sit well with me.  I feel as if we, I, have let my brother down.  That I have let my nephew down.

I also have a hard time at family get-togethers when its so very apparent that he's not there.  And then, no one even speaks his name.  Is it because no one wants to see mom's eyes tear up?  Is it because no one wants to spoil dad's mood?  Is it that they don't want to think of the sad loss? Why can't we simply remember all of the hilarious things that made him who he was?  --- Too many questions.

And of course, it still angers me so deeply that some weenie jerk wanted to hurt someone that was trying to a. do their job and b. bring MEDICAL SUPPLIES.  You get that, right?  They weren't medical supplies for military.  They were medical supplies for Iraqi civilians.  What the hell is wrong with you people?! How does someone get so filled with hatred?!  I just don't understand, and I don't think that I have accepted that I never will understand.

My girlfriend "challenged" me (really, she just said that she was able to come to terms with her brother's death when she accepted it and got rid of the anger) to accept his death.  This is the way to "salvation".  Her recommendation: pray.  My sister's recommendation: pray.

Pray...what does that mean?  Of course,  I know what it means.  But, this Roman Catholic raised girl has struggled to "forgive" God.  My faith has been shaken.  If you simply chat with me, I will certainly speak affectionately of God.  I will offer my prayers.   This is not a show, but probably a sign of how I was raised.  The deep seeded belief and love I grew to have for God.

 But, when it comes time for me to truly reflect on God, I struggle.  Not only with the logistics of it all, that many people struggle with, but with how this being, that is supposed to be good and Omnipotent, could "allow" people to do the horrible things that they do.  Let's face it.  We all have the gift of selection, I know.  We choose what we do.  So, how then, can I accept that my brother's "work on Earth was done. He was called home to be with his Father?"  BS!  Some a**hole decided that the person in the truck was not worthy enough to live.  And these people often do this in the name of "allah" aka God.  Please, someone explain to me how anyone is then supposed to turn to God for comfort.

I want to move forward.  I want to accept his death.  I want to have a bad day that doesn't turn to a day of crying because I lost my brother.  I want to be a better mother, wife, daughter and friend than I am when I  am hurting.  I want to be able to sleep. I want to know my nephew.  So, how can I reconcile my broken faith with the loss of my brother?  How can I let go of the anger I have for this unknown coward and the people that put him in that situation?  How can I get the answers to my questions?  How can I find peace?

Grrr...miss you, D!