Today SUCKS!

I really have not much more to add to that.  I wish I could wipe today off of the calendar since apparently, reversing past events is impossible.  Reminds me of that song, "One More Day" by Diamond Rio.

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you

First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl
Then I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million "I Love You's"
That's what I'd do with one more day with you.

There are so many songs that make me think of Dennis, but I think of this song around March 9 every year.  If only...  What would I really do?  I think I would just stare at him, and tell him that I love him and am proud of the man he became.  Then, I'd probably beg him never to leave again.  Sounds like he was my love, but no, he's my brother.  The love between siblings is something so strong and powerful, but kind of unrecognized.  Siblings grow with you.  They know all of your indiscretions, but love you for them anyway.  They are supposed to be there with you at your parents' funeral, to lean on so no one falls.  They are lifetime friends, BFFs, if you will.  You play together, beat the crap out of each other, take care of them as if they are your own children, feel responsible for their happiness and success, love their children as if they were your own, hurt when they hurt, celebrate all of their successes, and just in general, share in their lives.  You kind of just expect that they will always be there.

What happens when you realize that that is not going to happen? Everything and nothing at all.  Numbness.  Shock.  Disbelief.  Anger.  Hurt.  Confusion.  Sadness.  Depression.  Fear.  Disgust.  Blame.  Guilt.

Every anniversary, especially the lead up to it, is full of all of these emotions, again.  Its as if they all get together and celebrate the date.  My eyes have been burning all day.  Now, at 12:30 am, the "day of," I am beat.  I am tired. But, I do NOT want to go to bed.  GRRR!!! Damn you March 9.  Damn you cowardly jerk that killed my baby brother.  You were never blessed enough to know the pure love, joy and overall happiness that exuded from that wonderful man.  No, not man, kid.  Poor you!

Dennis, I love you more than words could ever express. You are so deeply missed and I will live my everyday to ensure you are never forgotten.  May your son grow to know the man you were.  You are always in my heart.

Love and miss you, dearly!